How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Love and Money
If you're reading this, you probably suspect that you're getting in your own way when it comes to your relationships or finances — or maybe someone else has pointed it out. While no one likes to admit to self-sabotage, most of us have engaged in it at some point.
Recognising self-sabotaging patterns is the first step towards change. Whether it’s damaging your romantic connections or causing financial setbacks, awareness allows us to take control of our behaviour and stop undermining our goals. In this article, you’ll learn how to identify self-sabotaging habits in love and money — and more importantly, how to stop them.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage refers to behaviours or mindsets that work against our own best interests. It’s when we consciously or unconsciously block our progress in personal or financial goals. In relationships, this might look like picking fights or withdrawing when things get serious. In finances, it can show up as overspending or avoiding budgeting.
Even though these actions often seem irrational, they’re usually rooted in deeper psychological triggers, like fear of failure, fear of success, or low self-worth. The key is learning to recognise these patterns and taking steps to counteract them.
What Causes Self-Sabotaging Behaviour?
In her book Stop Self Sabotage, Dr. Judy Ho explains that self-sabotage can be a biological response to fear. The excitement we feel when setting goals is followed by fear of failure, which leads us to avoid taking action. This "approach-avoidance conflict" often plays out in love and money, where the stakes feel particularly high.
We may sabotage relationships because we're afraid of getting hurt, or sabotage our finances because we're afraid of responsibility. Often, there's a mismatch between what we consciously want and our deeper, subconscious beliefs.
Identifying Self-Sabotage in Love and Money
One way to identify self-sabotage is by framing your situation like this: “I want to achieve (goal), but I keep doing (behaviour).” For example, "I want to save money, but I keep spending on things I don’t need" or "I want to have a healthy relationship, but I keep pushing my partner away."
Once you start identifying these patterns, you'll likely find them popping up in other areas of your life as well. Here are some common forms of self-sabotage:
1. Perfectionism
Perfectionists often struggle with getting started because they fear not doing things perfectly. In relationships, this might manifest as setting impossibly high standards for a partner, leading to dissatisfaction. Financially, perfectionists may avoid investing or starting a business because they fear not being fully prepared.
2. Overspending or Underspending
When it comes to money, self-sabotage can show up in two forms: overspending to fill an emotional void or underspending due to fear of losing what you have. Both behaviours prevent financial growth and can lead to stress in personal relationships.
3. Procrastination
Putting off important tasks is a hallmark of self-sabotage. In relationships, it can look like delaying important conversations. Financially, it might involve putting off paying bills, saving, or investing until the last minute — or not at all.
4. Lack of Communication
In love, failing to communicate your feelings or needs can cause relationship breakdowns. Financially, it can manifest as not discussing money matters with your partner or avoiding seeking financial advice when needed.
Symptoms of Self-Sabotage
Some subtle signs of self-sabotage in both love and money include:
- Refusing to ask for help
- Micromanaging your partner or finances
- Starting unnecessary conflicts in relationships
- Overspending or making impulse purchases
- Negative self-talk and extreme self-criticism
- Setting unrealistic goals
- Making excuses for poor financial decisions
5 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotaging in General
1. Develop Self-Awareness
The first step to overcoming self-sabotage is becoming aware of it. Ask yourself, “What behaviour is preventing me from reaching my goals?” For example, are you spending recklessly to avoid stress, or are you picking fights with your partner because you fear vulnerability?
2. Write It Out
Journaling is a great way to track your self-sabotaging patterns. Write down your thoughts and goals regularly, and you’ll likely start to see patterns of behaviour. Sharing these insights with a coach or therapist can provide further guidance.
3. Create a Plan — and Stick to It
Once you identify the behaviours you want to change, create a plan to tackle them. For example, if you overspend on weekends, create a budget with specific spending limits. If you tend to withdraw emotionally from your partner, commit to having open conversations regularly.
4. Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness helps you stay present and avoid reacting impulsively. When you practice mindfulness in your relationships, you become more attuned to your partner's needs and emotions. Financially, mindfulness can help curb impulse spending and keep you focused on your long-term goals.
5. Communicate
Whether it's with your partner, a financial advisor, or a therapist, open communication is key to overcoming self-sabotage. Sharing your struggles allows others to support you and keeps you accountable.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships
Self-sabotaging in relationships often comes from a fear of intimacy or past emotional wounds. Here are a few steps to overcome these habits:
- Put values first: Align your behaviour with your core values and avoid picking unnecessary fights or lying.
- Recognise red flags: Be aware of patterns from past relationships and get support if you notice unhealthy dynamics repeating.
- Work on yourself: Continue developing self-awareness and emotional well-being, even when in a relationship.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Money
Financial self-sabotage can often be tied to low self-worth or fear of success. Here's how to stop it:
- Talk to a financial advisor: Getting professional advice helps you stay on track with your financial goals.
- Communicate with your partner: Open discussions about finances can reduce stress and align your goals.
- Take risks: Don’t let fear stop you from investing in yourself or making sound financial decisions. Start small, and build confidence over time.
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage is often deeply ingrained, but with self-awareness and consistent action, it's possible to change these patterns. Whether in love or money, the key is recognising the behaviours that hold you back and taking proactive steps to address them.
If you need extra support, consider working with a coach or therapist to help guide you through the process. Remember to be kind to yourself as you navigate these changes and celebrate small victories along the way.